


Where Do We Go From Here?

by imyourplusone



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-21 23:17:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7409083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imyourplusone/pseuds/imyourplusone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It starts with a visit to a friend, that led to a curiosity and an idea forming. A puzzle that needed solving, and if there's one thing Aram excelled at, it was the solving of puzzles and the breaking of codes. What it became, though, was a way to help a friend and a way to be a better friend than he realized he'd been in the past."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post s3 finale and those pesky fake death repercussions
> 
> Thank you to the lovely TravelingSong for the edit. It is greatly appreciated!
> 
> Thanks for reading!

It starts with a visit to a friend, that led to a curiosity and an idea forming. A puzzle that needed solving, and if there's one thing Aram excelled at, it was the solving of puzzles. The breaking of codes. What it became, though, was a way to help a friend and a way to be a better friend than he realized he'd been in the past.

Aram began visiting Liz and Agnes every few days since her return to her apartment. Since her return from beyond the grave. However, she did not resume her old life, for how could you once you had died, been mourned and put to rest.

She did make her way to the Post Office to offer a tearful apology as soon as she was able. The weight of guilt might as well have been that six feet of dirt they threw on her coffin. The looks on their faces told her how much they had been hurt, but they understood. How could they not? The _Liz we know, it was for Agnes and to break free of Reddington_ did little to lessen the burden she carried.

So Liz retreated to the safety of her old home. There with her daughter to start the new life she had tried desperately to make when she walked out of jail on a cold night all those months ago. A leave of absence from the task force, for the time being, to put a little distance between herself and the most hurtful act she ever had a hand in.

* * *

Of course it was Aram that reached out first. Aram that knew Liz's tendency for isolation, who realized those recently risen from the dead might need a friend. And since it was his nature to forgive, forgiveness came easily.

It was the first visit that held the first clue.

Liz was nervous, had almost said she was too busy but something stopped her. Perhaps it was the absence of another adult to speak with in her recent daily routine that prompted the _yes of course, come over, I'd love to see you,_ when actually the thought scared her to death.

_Scared her to death._

Will there ever come a day those words won't make a lump swell in her throat? Or perhaps these little reminders will always be her penance.

She imagined only stilted conversation and awkwardness. After all, the last time they had really talked had been at her disaster of a wedding. It seemed a lifetime ago.

_A lifetime,_ she thinks, _since that day that I died._

But of course, it was the same old Aram that arrived with take-out, a stuffed bear for Agnes and a hug for herself.

They talked about the baby and recent cases the task force was working on. It wasn't exactly shut down, just slowed down for the present. Red didn't return to the Post Office, but Dembe occasionally supplied information on a blacklister. Enough to keep things going until Liz was ready to return or the Cabal made a move.

"…and then Agent Ressler busted down the door to find a counterfeit caviar operation going on where the drug smuggling should have been. Mr. Reddington said passing off bogus fish eggs as Sevruga caviar is a crime against humanity."

And her laugh is the first in a long time. Two weeks to be exact since she laughed and, at the thought, the heaviness returns in an instant. As did the lump in her throat. And the weight of that six feet of dirt.

Aram knew the details of her rescue, having read the report. How Reddington had tracked Kirk's movements to a compound outside Buenos Aires and with a team went in and brought her and Agnes out. Kirk was killed in the process and what followed remained a total mystery until Liz returned to her D.C. apartment six weeks later, alone except for her tiny daughter.

Also a mystery was that of Tom, who was released shortly after her two month ordeal, and whose location was currently unknown.

Noticing her sudden change in mood, Aram decided to broach the subject they had skirted all evening.

"Liz, if you need to talk I'm here. Even though you may not feel like it, but what I'm trying to say is, sometimes it's best not to hold things inside. It must be hard not being with him, so I'm here if you Want to talk about it."

She looked down at her sleeping daughter in the small bassinet she kept in the living room and felt her thoughts drifting to what she tried not to dwell on, what she tried to put out of her mind just to get through her days.

"You're right, it is hard not having him here. I never thought I would say it. After those two months when they got me out, I was so relieved. We were together and each day got better as he said it would. It became so natural and it was almost like we were happy, I never thought about leaving until…."

Her words trail off as she gazes down at Agnes with a wistful expression.

"Liz, I'm sure you and Tom will figure things out."

Her head snaps up at that, bringing her back from the memory to Aram, looking at her with concern.

"What? Oh, I didn't mean Tom, although of course that's who you'd think I meant. No, Tom has gone to work for Hargrave, and I'm here with Agnes."

He can tell he has hit a nerve, but before he can apologize she says it's time to put the baby down and the visit ends. On his ride home a thought enters Aram's mind. The first small piece of the puzzle.

* * *

A few visits later it is Italian and another stuffed bear for Agnes.

Liz looks relieved to have company, but Aram notices the circles under her eyes. Wonders if she's resting or simply exhausted from caring for Agnes on her own, until she answers part of the question for him.

"I'm so lucky though. Agnes is already sleeping through the night."

He doesn't want to raise the subject nor invade her privacy but something, some instinct tells him not to drop this. The look in her eyes behind the forced cheerfulness spurs him on.

"Have you spoken to Mr. Reddington? We no longer see him as it's always Dembe who comes with any new cases we get."

He's hit that nerve again, he knows it instantly. Her movements still at the mention of the name and her gaze no longer meets his own. 

"No, not for a month now. Has it really been that long since I've been home?" She shakes her head as if to clear the confusion before continuing, "Yes, I suppose it has. Thirty-four days to be exact. Dembe calls to check in but….no, we haven't spoken."

"You could call maybe-”

"No, that I definitely can't do. This was my choice after all, and I've hurt him enough. Aram, you know the feeling when you finally get that thing you've wanted for so long?"

"No, not really.”

She smiles giving his arm a squeeze. A smile that doesn't mask the pain as her eyes meet his once more.

"Well take it from me, sometimes it turns out to be the opposite of everything you imagined."

Liz reaches down and picks up Agnes, giving her a kiss and places her on her chest. "But I have this little girl, and that's what matters. That is all that matters."

They say good-night shortly after with a promise to meet the following week, and Aram heads home on his bike.

However, the thing he wondered about before, he is really curious about now. _What happened during those six weeks, even though it's completely none of his business, but what?_

_Could it be…_

They care about each other, of that he's sure. Even when they were barely speaking, there was still something there between them. _But what kind of something is it?_

And even though it really is none of his business, and he hates to pry, the look on Liz's face and the hurt behind her eyes must go. It was clearly time to pay a visit to Mr. Reddington.

_Although how that'll go over, I don't even want to imagine._

* * *

"Uh Dembe, hello, it's Aram."

"Agent Mojtabai, how may I help you."

"Dembe, you know you can probably call me Aram, unless you don't want to, then by all means call me whatever-"

"Agent Mojtabai... Aram, is there something you needed?"

"I need to speak with Mr. Reddington."

"I will give him a message to call if it is important-"

"No Dembe, I need to see him in person, face to face, mano a mano although that's a bad example. Strike that last one-”

"Aram! Wait for my call."

* * *

The call comes, and the next day Aram finds himself standing in front of a nondescript townhouse in Arlington. _He's still close by. That must mean something._

He is nervous, he will freely admit. This was Mr. Reddington after all. This was also the Mr. Reddington that enlisted his help after Liz's arrest. The same one that called him to a graveside to speak of loss and gratitude.

_You saved Elizabeth. I'm forever in your debt._

Aram steels himself as he knocks on the door. No real harm will come to him, he is sure. This was Mr. Reddington after all. Besides, he has a feeling Liz needed saving again, only this time in a different way. The question is does Mr. Reddington need saving as well?

He has his answer almost immediately.

Aram is ushered into a sitting room, and Reddington appears smiling, exuberant with drink in hand, and he knows something is very wrong indeed.

There are pleasantries to get out of the way. _Has Donald found anymore sub par fish egg operations to bust?_ However, the forced joviality doesn't hide the pain behind the smile. The image of the open grave flashes through his mind and Aram realizes there are many ways to collapse into rubble.

“Mr. Reddington, I've been to visit Liz-”

"I'm well aware of that Aram. There are security measures in place, although very discreet measures. Elizabeth would be upset to know this, but unfortunately they are still necessary. I'm happy you two have become close."

The good humor is gone now, replaced by a tension in the air and also something Aram senses just under the surface.

_Wait a minute, he doesn't think Liz and I…that we're…he's actually jealous. Mr. Reddington is jealous. I think. Man, he is hard to figure out…_

"Mr. Reddington, you know Liz and I are only friends. That's why I came here, because I've been worried-”

"What do you mean, worried? Is something wrong?"

Well, that hit a nerve and Aram is sure it's very similar to the nerve he keeps treading on with Liz.

"No, everything is fine. I just think, and I hope you don't mind me saying, she might like it if you called."

Red rises to pour himself another drink, and it doesn't go unnoticed by Aram that it's barely three in the afternoon. Not that he's judging.

"Aram, Elizabeth has my number if there is anything she needs. She is aware of that. I'm abiding by her wishes since this is the choice she made."

The mask is gone now and Aram recognizes the same look in Reddington's eyes he's seen reflected in Liz's. _They are both hurting, and it's the same hurt!_

"But Mr. Reddington, I think if you just reached out-”

"Agent Mojtabai, I appreciate you stopping by, but it seems I'm late for a meeting so if you have nothing further…”

Aram finds himself back on the street, strapping on his helmet for the ride home. Finally, he is starting to understand, but before he can proceed there is still one piece of information he needs, then he can plan his next move. For it seemed Agent Aram Mojtabai found himself on a mission, and he wasn't going to stop until the puzzle was solved or, at the very least, all the pieces were assembled for Liz and Mr. Reddington to deal with.

* * *

A few days later, Aram and Liz meet in the park she walks to everyday. She needs to get outside, breathe a little and clear her head. Several of the other parents have become familiar enough that they chat and compare war stories. She has even made plans for coffee with a young mother and they’ve talked of future play dates.

_So there is life beyond the grave._

Sometimes that life hurt like hell, but one look at her little girl makes it possible to face it and the decisions that led her to this point.

Aram bikes up, stuffed bear sticking out of his backpack, and Liz laughs with a shake of her head. If this keeps up, there won't be room for Agnes in her own nursery.

The bear finds a home in the stroller with the baby and they chat for a bit. Aram, feeling out the situation slowly, is determined to gain that final bit of information. He's glad to see her outside and relaxed, but the look behind her eyes is still there. He recognizes it easily now which gives him the courage to delve into an area he knows is very much none of his business, as well as one that may cause pain.

"Liz, may I ask you something, and just tell me to stop interfering if you'd rather not-”

"Of course you can ask. What is it?" She's gazing at the kids on the playground and the other parents milling about as she slowly rocks the stroller back and forth.

"Well, you never mention Tom and I wondered….and you absolutely shouldn't answer if you don't want to, but I wondered if you were…"

He trails off then, as he sees her hand on the stroller still.

"I'm sorry Liz. I didn't mean to hurt you by bringing it up."

"No it's alright. We're friends after all," she says, giving him a quick smile before looking back toward the playground. "I haven't mentioned him because the simple fact is, he is no longer a part of my life. Well other than Agnes that is. Beyond that we, or I should say _I,_ have decided it's time for a break. A permanent one."

There it is. The last variable he needs, and he feels that rush just before he breaks through a firewall and enters forbidden territory. Not knowing how to respond, he waits to see if she'll continue which she does after a minute or two.

"I can't really explain it. It suddenly made no sense why we were still together after all that had happened. I'm not sure if it's the two months I spent at that compound or if I'd have eventually figured it out, but however it came about, it's over. As it should have been long ago."

And suddenly Aram wonders something else. Should he have known this all along? Should he have not been so ready to support what, in hindsight, was a very disturbed relationship?

"Liz, I feel I owe you an apology. No, let me finish," he says as she turns quickly toward him. "I think I was too quick to approve your marriage or remarriage or... well you know what I mean. Not that you needed my approval to begin with, but you deserve a life better than one based on a lie. I should have said something to you. Liz, I'm so very sorry."

He doesn't even know where that came from. Has he felt this way all along but allowed himself to be blinded by Tom and his charming schoolteacher demeanor or by wanting Liz to find some measure of happiness? Aram feels the guilt cut like a knife. He should have realized, tried to talk to her, even if she didn't want to hear. Done something…

He feels her hand take his and turns to see the tears in her eyes.

"Aram, you saved my life and there is no blame. I’m so grateful you reached out and remained my friend even after...everything that happened. I wouldn't have listened had you said anything about Tom. Red warned me time and again and even Ressler tried. I ignored them all so I have no one to blame but myself. However, I have Agnes now and that I will never regret. I just wish…"

"What do you wish," he asks, certain that as far as wishes go this is an important one.

"I wish I hadn't hurt him so deeply. I wish I had made better decisions that didn't cause such pain to those that I love. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am and have him understand just how much."

"Tom?"

"No, not Tom. Raymond."

They sit for a little while, two friends grateful to be forgiven by the other as they look at the children laughing on the playground.

* * *

Aram calls the Post Office after leaving the park telling Director Cooper he’ll be taking the afternoon off due to an emergency. _No Sir, everything is fine, but there is something that can't wait. No Sir, I can't explain, but you'll thank me later._

He arrives at the Arlington townhouse hoping they haven't changed safe houses and attempts to control his nerves. This time he's sure he won't be welcomed as cordially as before.

The door is opened by Mr. Reddington himself and judging by his expression he isn't the least bit amused.

"Surprise. Again."

Hoping the old line will break the ice he waits, not sure what his next move should be. Red turns on his heel and enters the house, but the door remains open so that Aram can cautiously follow behind.

Once in the sitting room Red moves to stand behind a chair, hands gripping the back, trying to control his frustration. "Aram, I thought we had finished our discussion during your last visit. I can't possibly imagine what would prompt a second."

_Well, here goes nothing._

"Mr. Reddington, I really think you should call Liz. I know you think that she-"

"Did she ask you to come here?"

"No, but-"

"Is something wrong with Elizabeth or with Agnes?"

"No, but-"

"Then I will tell you what I told you last time. Elizabeth has my number. She knows I'm here if there is ever anything she needs."

Aram is losing control with the lightning fast verbal back and forth, but even knowing he's no match, he plows ahead.

"Mr. Reddington, someone will eventually have to make the first move here so why not you?”

"If Elizabeth wanted to contact me she would, but as it is-"

At this, Aram is the one to interrupt, his voice rising as he says, "She doesn't know how! Well, she does know how, of course, but she feels terrible about what happened. She included you when she talked about the ones she loves. She called you _Raymond._ "

"That's my name, Aram."

"Yes I know, but it was the way she said it. I know I'm interfering, believe me, but I'm here as a friend…"

He stops realizing what he has said and sees the expression on Mr. Reddington's face. Not a hardening of his features, so much as a closing off of his emotions.

"Aram, I don't have friends. Not in that sense."

"Why not? Besides, I really don't believe that. Dembe is your friend. Mr. Kaplan is your friend even though that's….well I imagine that's hard right now, and maybe you should call her, too, but why shouldn't I be your friend? We work together, have had good conversations on occasion, even though one was over an empty grave. Mr. Reddington, I say this as a friend, I'm worried about you and Liz and I'm afraid this will go unresolved until you both realize so much time has gone by that it's impossible to repair the damage."

He stops, at last, and walks toward the door before turning to look at the gentleman still standing behind the chair.

"I've said what I came here to say. I only ask that you think about it," and with that, Agent Mojtabai turns and leaves the townhouse.

* * *

That night Liz stands in the nursery, with her daughter in her arms, rocking her back and forth. She looks at the new collection of teddy bears that have come to stay and laughs quietly, giving Agnes a kiss on the forehead.

"You, little girl, are a charmer. Who can resist your sweet face?”

And she allows herself to think about what she pushes from her mind everyday. How he helped put her back together and told her things would get easier. That Agnes wouldn't always cry in her arms; it was only due to the sporadic hour, here and there, Kirk had allowed her with her baby. How Red told her Agnes knows her heartbeat, she just needed a little time to remember. The way he wiped the tears from her cheeks when that day arrived, and she knew in her heart, her baby had remembered her.

They were happy during those isolated days or as happy as they could be in a suspension of reality. But she died inside a little each day knowing she had caused him so much pain. He refused to talk of it, brushing aside her apologies. Wouldn't speak of Mr. Kaplan, only that she was gone for a time. The remorse ate away at her soul, and she felt, sometimes, she really would sink six feet under if not for her daughter. The days she could push it aside and didn't see flashes of what she felt mirrored on his face, they were content. Until the night he rejected her, and she knew it would always be there between them.

* * *

Outside D.C. in an Arlington townhouse, Red stands looking out the window, drink in hand. He thinks about an offer of friendship and all that has transpired over the years, making it so hard to accept. He thinks of the most recent _betrayal,_ if that's even what he should call it, and wonders if there is a way back from it. Wonders what lies on the other side.

He takes a drink and allows himself to think about what he pushes from his thoughts everyday. How he found her after weeks, months of searching. Not knowing what would be waiting for him, but what he found was his Lizzy, broken and traumatized, but wanting him near and the relief at his presence evident on her face. He would never have expected that or her willingness to let him take her away for a time, to care for her and Agnes. He could never expect that Tom would make a brief appearance, at her request, only to see him leave a short time later and not return. He thinks how she seemed better every day and those precious moments when he could watch her with Agnes and see the bond that was finally able to form between them. How she would look up and see him in the doorway and wave him over to smile down at the sweet baby girl. How they were happy at times, even though it made no sense whatsoever that they should be so.

Until the sadness he'd sometimes catch in her eyes grew, and he wasn't able to talk to her about it, because to do so would be to put a name to it, and he didn't want to burst this fragile bubble they had inexplicably found. This beautiful oasis that turned into a mirage, as he always feared, and they ended up hurting one another as they always did. As they always do. So she left because the sadness was overwhelming and stealing the joy she finally had with her child. He hoped she'd leave it behind with him and make a new life for herself and Agnes back in D.C. He let her go because in the end that's the choice she made when she closed her eyes and agreed to the plan. She had wanted to escape him, and he couldn't forget it.

* * *

And somewhere in the middle of Red and Lizzy, Aram paces his apartment.

_Where do I go from here?_

He now had enough of the puzzle to realize it wasn't the end of the story, not by a long shot. He didn't really know what that ending would be, even though he now had a sneaking suspicion, but how to get them in the same room so that his old friend and his new reluctant one didn't kill him? Not actually kill him but, well, you know...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me through this long chapter, but I needed Aram to figure some things out first so our hero can plan his next move.
> 
> You'll notice I dealt with Tom the way all mediocre characters should be dealt with. Pushed to the side and promptly ignored.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for your kind response and all the Aram Love!
> 
> Continued thanks to TravelingSong for the edit and support.

A few days after Aram's last visit, Mr. Reddington pays one in return. It had been months since Red had made an appearance at the Post Office so when he and Dembe step off the elevator and walk up to Aram's desk, it catches the eye of every person on the task force.

Aram, deep in thought over his laptop, missed the entrance but noticing the sudden silence looks up to find the reason for it walking straight toward him. _U_ _h oh._

"Agent Mojtabai."

"Mr. Reddington, uh, hello," he says as he stands, feeling all eyes trained on him.

"Aram, I've thought about what you said at our last meeting, and I came here today to tell you I accept."

And with that, Red gives a single nod of his head to seal the deal, dons the fedora and walks out of the Post Office.

Ressler's inquiry of _w_ _hat on earth was that about_ goes unnoticed and Aram stands smiling toward the closed elevator doors for so long, Samar finally passes by and nudges him back in his chair.

* * *

The acceptance of his offer of friendship only serves to stress the importance of helping his two friends. Liz, with her haunted expression those times she lets her guard down, and Mr. Reddington, whose grief left its mark no matter how he tries to hide it.

It was these friendships, one old and one new, that kept Aram awake at night. If he could get them on neutral ground and force them to face one another, he felt sure things could be put right. _M_ _aybe_ _t_ _hey_ _n_ _o longer have the strength to fight. Well, we'll see about that._

Clearly it was time to call in reinforcements.

"Dembe, it's Aram...no I don't wish to speak with Mr. Reddington...but tell him hey and don't be a stranger...yes, I called for a reason. Dembe, Mr. Reddington and Liz need our help, and I think I may need yours...No, not over the phone. When can we meet?"

* * *

"Dembe, this thing with Mr. Reddington and Liz...I'm sure you've noticed they are not doing well and something is going on. Whatever it is, and I think I know...well that doesn't matter, only it's hurting them, and I can't sit by and let it continue. They need to work this out. They aren't the same without each other. The Post Office isn't the same without them. Nothing is the same..."

_He really is the strong, silent type,_ Aram thinks as the seconds stretch into minutes. The two men have met at a coffee shop close to the Post Office and Aram, not knowing exactly what he's asking for, is asking for it nonetheless.

As he sits facing the other man's unwavering stare, Aram feels like he's being tested without knowing the questions, and he shifts uncomfortably in his chair. He must have passed though, as Dembe seems to reach a decision and speaks for the first time since his greeting.

"After your assistance to Elizabeth when her life was threatened, I knew you were a man to be trusted. Raymond accepting your offer of friendship reinforces that opinion. It was not easy for him, don't ever forget that."

"I know it wasn't, Dembe. I know what it took for him to do that."

"No, you can never understand it fully," says Dembe as he studies the man across from him. "I will confide something to you. When Raymond and Elizabeth were together after the rescue, they became happy for a time. Something I have not seen since the time I have known them. They were happy and then they were not. There are things left to say, and they need to say them."

"Hey, I hear you, but I've tried. They both refuse to make the first call. Besides they need to see one another. This is not a conversation they should have over the phone, but you know how stubborn they both are."

Dembe gives a small, knowing smile as he responds, "That is why we must arrange their reunion and do so in a way they don't expect. I have an idea, but we may need Agent Navabi's help. Can you speak with her?"

"Yes, I love speaking with her! I mean yes. Yes, I can absolutely speak with Agent Navabi."

* * *

Aram broaches the subject with Samar the following day and attempts to explain what he has recently discovered, until she interrupts. "Aram, if you're trying to tell me Red and Liz love one another, I already know this. What is it you need?"

"I need your help getting them together to work things out, because Mr. Reddington will probably know I'm up to something, but Dembe and I have a plan and we need your help."

"Count me in."

"Cool."

And on a rainy night, a secret meeting is held at a local pub where Dembe, Samar and Aram plan their mission, which is later dubbed _O_ _peration Red Light_ because, according to the latter, all missions should have a name.

Samar suggests it, and after puzzled expressions from her two cohorts explains, "Liz told me Reddington once gave her the alias _G_ _inger_ _L_ _umiere_. She laughed it off at the time, but come on, _Red_ _L_ _ight_? Clearly something is up with those two."

"That actually makes so much sense now," says Aram, who not for the first time wonders how he missed the signs. Looking back, he realizes they've been there all along.

The plan is simple really, just a little fib to get Red and Liz to Aram's apartment, and the rest would be in their hands. Nothing too outlandish that either would suspect and not too serious to worry Red about Liz's safety.

It is Dembe that tells Samar to call Mr. Reddington and explain she and Aram have new intel that he needs to hear. _N_ _o, it can't be discussed over the phone or at the Post Office. No, it has no impact on Liz and Agnes' safety but the sooner it is addressed, the better._

Aram knows it will not be so simple and when that expected but dreaded phone call comes, he explains to Mr. Reddington there is a mysterious code he stumbled upon and with everything that has happened he doesn't want to take a chance by ignoring it or risk being overheard at the Post Office. _There is no clear threat but I'd like you to review what I've been able to decipher._ That Mr. Reddington and Liz were the actual mystery, he left out of the conversation.

With Red convinced and the meeting planned, Aram places a call to Liz inviting her and Agnes for dinner. _S_ _amar will be there and you really need to get out Liz. So does Agnes like Chinese or pizza or what?_

And with that, _O_ _peration Red Light_ is a go.

* * *

Aram paces his apartment waiting for Liz to arrive and thinks about the lies he's told to bring it about. He hates lying. Hates untruths in all forms, and to lie to a friend is even worse and two friends in twice as...

"Aram, stop pacing. It will be alright. They're more like little white lies after all," Samar says as she absentmindedly flips through a magazine.

"How did you know-"

The doorbell rings and Liz and the baby are ushered in, Aram produces a new stuffed bear- _I_ _know Liz, I promise this is the last one-_ and they settle in the living room. To wait.

Liz and Samar are chatting like old times and looking at the baby smiling in her carrier, when Aram begins to wonder if he's imagined it all. _A_ _fter all, she's never said anything outright. What if by interfering, we make things worse?_

And then it happens. Samar mentions their recent Blacklister, pointedly referencing Red while doing so. Liz busies herself fussing with Agnes' blanket, but not before the hurt returns to her eyes and not before Samar and Aram notice.

_She's still hurting. We must be doing the right thing._

It's at that moment the doorbell rings and here goes nothing. Aram's quick _n_ _ow_ _L_ _iz I'm sorry, but I had to_ as Samar opens the door to allow the new arrivals into the apartment is followed by Red's _I should have known_ and then silence.

No one seems to know what to say as it becomes obvious to the targets of the _R_ _ed Light_ op that they have been set up, so to speak.

It is Dembe who steps forward to take charge.

"Raymond, you should take your hat off as you'll be staying. Elizabeth, if you will trust me with Agnes, we are going to leave for a time, but I promise you she will be safe in our care." And looking between Red and Liz, he continues, "This has gone on long enough. The time has come."

Dembe walks to Liz, but stops before touching the carrier. "Elizabeth, do I have your permission?"

Without looking up and definitely without looking at the man who has yet to remove his hat, she nods her consent. He offers a quiet _m_ _ake him listen,_ before lifting the carrier, putting the baby bag on his arm and walking from the room. Liz can't help but smile at the image before turning back to face what awaits.

As Aram and Samar reach the door, he turns addressing his two friend. "I'm sorry, but sometimes a surprise attack is the only option. Talk to each other. There is no other way."

They are still standing in the middle of the living room, both unsure what exactly to make of the situation, when finally Red drops his fedora on the table and sits.

"Lizzy, it appears we've been hoodwinked."

* * *

_She's beautiful_ , he thinks as he tries not to stare. Even more beautiful than he remembered, if that's possible, but the man who notices everything also notices the sadness in her eyes. _T_ _hat is all I'm ever able to bring her,_ and the guilt that never leaves him surfaces again.

_She deserves better than this._

Liz tries not to stare but oh how she has missed that face. The smile that reaches his eyes when he looks at her. That indefinable something that draws her to him, and she suddenly feels how empty she is without it. _He must have felt it too when he mourned me_ and the guilt returns in waves.

_How can he ever forgive me?_

They are separated only by a few feet, but the miles stretch out between them, neither knowing how to take the first step. They've been here before, during those six weeks when they forgot the past and ignored the future and grew closer than they had ever been. Until the unsaid things stole it all away. Until those things that could no longer be hidden tore apart their fragile world and they retreated to their corners, finding they did not know how to fight for what they had so briefly been given.

When he found her, Liz tried to put it into words, tried to explain how the guilt became unbearable at times, and she couldn't breathe. That if she had been thinking clearly and the danger hadn't been so close, she would never...

But Red brushed away her tears, relief at finding her and Agnes safe his only concern. _L_ _izzy, there is no need to speak of it. The reasons no longer matter._

Except, they did matter.

They were able to forget for a time and concentrate on Lizzy's recovery. There was Agnes, the baby girl that was a balm to their souls, and the days passed in a blur. Days spent in the sun until the color returned to Liz's cheeks. Peaceful walks when the baby was napping or the quiet comfort of each other's company. Liz talked when she needed to, trying to make sense of the ordeal, and at other times was content to listen to Red's stories or have him read aloud to her. She would move to sit close, to feel the strength of him as she got lost in his voice. Those early days with Red and Agnes brought her back to life and she realized she could be happy again, even as she feared the sorrow she felt deep within would never leave.

Red's need to touch her was a constant. To assure himself of her presence, that he had found what once seemed hopelessly lost. An arm around her shoulder became second nature and he wondered how he'd ever let her go. Because surely this must end as all dreams do. Most days he managed to ignore the small voice in his head telling him it would not last. It was only a matter of time before she left. But ignore it he did, determined to savor every second of their time together until the outside world inevitably intruded. He didn't question her sudden change in emotion from the time before the kidnapping, only caring that he was with her, that she wanted him near. Liz tried not to think of the time before she was taken or her change in feeling, only caring that she had her baby and Red nearby.

Perhaps they could have stayed like that forever if the guilt had let them be, or if they hadn't reached a point where they needed and wanted so much more. But once they disturbed the waters of their peaceful, stolen world there was no going back, and the ripples became a tidal wave.

* * *

Red can feel her studying him and finds it impossible to sit any longer. All the nervous energy taking over makes him rise and pace the room, looking at everything and nothing in particular, but anything to keep his back to her.

He could sit and watch her for hours and memorize the face he hasn't seen in forty seven days. The face he sees whenever he closes his eyes, but the simple act of turning and looking at her now with the sadness and regret reflected in her features is beyond his ability.

"Lizzy, I think those three have made more of this than was really necessary. I can't fault their intentions but there is no need for the dramatics, after all we're both fine-"

"You're lying."

She says it so quietly, he thinks he must have misheard and turns to see her clearly. "What was that?"

"You heard me correctly. You're lying. You once told me you have never lied to me, and this really isn't a good time to start. We are not _fine_. We are the furthest thing from _fine_."

He feels a ripple of anger and the thought he tries to suppress enters his mind. _H_ _ow can she speak of lies..._

This is not what he wants. It does no good to revisit old wounds, it never has. Ultimately, the blame rests on his shoulders and not on hers.

He makes no response and she feels a ripple of anger. _Of course he retreats because that is all we ever do. Ignore what shouldn't be ignored until an unforgivable act is committed._

"Are you going to act like Dembe, Samar and Aram arranging this is unimportant? That they don't see what has happened?"

"Elizabeth, all that happened is you brought your child home to start a new life. Beyond that, I think the past is better left in the past."

Liz rises then, still maintaining some distance between them but needing to be on equal footing because she intends to say what needs to be said once and for all.

"Red, the past is here and it never left. This is the past," and she holds out her scarred wrist for emphasis. "Those scars on your back are the past. Yes, I know about the scars, don't look so shocked. Kirk was the past, but he found me all the same. Tom was the past, but I couldn't let him go because the future scared me to death."

At the mention of Tom, a hardness enters his features. His greatest lapse in judgment and it sickens him to think Lizzy couldn't imagine a future beyond that betrayal. _H_ _ow can I ever make that right?_

"Elizabeth, none of those things can be changed. It's not worth-"

"It's not worth what? Talking about or dealing with on some level? You may as well say I'm not worth it," she says as she goes to open the balcony door, needing air. Needing to breathe.

"You know that's not what I meant. I would never think that." However, the anger he is trying so hard to control enters his voice.

"Do you think you're protecting me by ignoring it? I promise you, you're not. Can you, for once, just say it. We ignored everything for so long and then that night..."

The night before she left him. The night they had dinner on the terrace after Agnes was asleep. The night they could no longer ignore what was between them. Whatever it was that drew them together since her first day as a profiler and his first day as a prisoner.

Their relaxed and easy conversation. His stories and her laughter filling up the night sky. The bottle of wine and then another. The music drifting from the house as he took her hand for a dance.

The night he kissed her and she said _yes_.

Until he broke the embrace and seemed to come to himself and the facade he sometimes wore as an armor returned. He was the perfect gentleman, as always, making an excuse that he had let things get too far and he shouldn't take advantage. Things were moving too quickly and she may regret it.

The rejection cut right through her.

Whether he didn't believe in her change of heart or deep down the betrayal prevented him from truly trusting her, she didn't know. Maybe a little of both, but whatever the reason she knew they were broken, and it was due to her. She told him she was leaving the next morning, and whatever hope she had that he'd try to stop her or finally talk to her died with one look at his closed expression. _L_ _izzy, we both knew this was a temporary respite and as enjoyable as it has been, I understand why you must to go. You only need to tell me you're leaving. That's all you ever needed to do._

Liz pushes the memories away and looks back at the man who hurt her so deeply. The man whose pain and grief she could have prevented with a simple _n_ _o._ But nothing is ever simple where they're concerned.

"We will never recover from this if we don't, for once, face what we've done to each other. The good doesn't always cancel out the bad you know. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of hurting you. Just say it."

He studies her at the balcony as she turns to look out at the darkness. The woman he would die for chose to die instead. At last, he is able to acknowledge that the pain from that act was her doing. Maybe not all, but some, and that, regardless of the reasons, she almost destroyed him in the process.

"I watched you die."

She closes her eyes and breathes in the night air. _Finally._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Perhaps it's time Red and Liz have an actual conversation. Wouldn't that be a nice change....


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos! They are greatly appreciated.
> 
> Thank you for reading and enjoy!

_I watched you die._

Red hates this, hates every confrontation they've ever had. What purpose does it serve when he is ultimately responsible. When he is the one that brought the turmoil to her life. Tom, Berlin, the fulcrum...it never seems to end and always seems to originate with him, but the anger that began just moments ago won't subside, and the man who prides himself on always maintaining control feels it slipping through his fingers.

"Say the rest of it. Don't leave it there," Lizzy continues, staring out at the darkness.

"Elizabeth, I know why you agreed to it, I do, but you should have come to me before it reached that point. If you had said outright you were leaving, I would have let you go. Do you honestly think I'd have physically stopped you from leaving? I cannot fathom it nor that it was worth the risk especially after..."

He trails off and she doesn't respond, doesn't even look back. Makes no reaction as the frustration enters his voice, increasing with every word, because this is what she wants. She'd rather have his anger and frustration on full display and directed toward her than to see his patient understanding smiles. Not for this. Not for this hurtful thing she despises.

He'd rather die than hurt her, even after all the pain inflicted on himself and the others. And God knows she paid the price. Those two months spent locked up and isolated from her child were a punishment he could never wish on her. Red takes a steadying breath, determined that if they are finally going to have this conversation, it will be without anger.

"Can you at least tell me why you couldn't trust me?"

She barely knows the answers herself for how do you explain the unexplainable? She has tried to make sense of it, so many times she's tried. Looking back things are always so much clearer than going forward. Looking back she sees an ocean of different decisions she should have made, but at the time her only thought was to run. Run as fast and as far as she could. Except she wasn't fast enough, and there really is no distance she could reach that would have kept her safe from her past. It always catches up. Strange that when it caught her, even as painful as it was, she began to be grateful for it. Thankful she is no longer running.

He waits for a response, but one doesn't come and finally says, "Elizabeth, I never wanted this, never wanted to place blame because there is more that falls on me. What is it you want from this?"

What does she want? What does she really want? To have him understand why it happened or perhaps for absolution? To take back the hurt she so freely gave or to feel deserving of the affection he so freely gives? Until she realizes what she really wants.

"I want..."

_I watched you die._

He watches her at the balcony door, sees the trembling start from deep within, as her hand reaches out for support and rushes to catch her as she collapses from the weight of what she can no longer carry. How she makes it to the couch she will never remember, only his arms around her as she clings to him and tells him everything. Everything she was never able to say and everything he was never able to hear.

Red listens, painful as it is, of her fear for her baby and her need to escape her life. How she did trust him, but not enough. Never enough. The anger that became a cancer and there was nowhere for it to go but to him. That she believed he was the reason for the fractures in her life without realizing he was the person that had held her together when she could not.

Her tears give way to sobbing as she finally lets go, for the first time truly feeling what her _d_ _eath_ must have done to him. If she could take it back she would, but some things can't be undone, she knows this now. Knows the damage she's caused and why he wouldn't want her. That he will carry it with him forever and the thought tears her apart. He listens to it all. Tries to understand when her words become unintelligible, never interrupts, lets her cry it out until she's finally spent and her tears subside. They hold on to one another, her head on his chest, neither wanting to let go after so many weeks apart.

She feels him kiss the top of her head and holds him tighter, desperate to feel him and not risk breaking the bond that is still between them. _H_ _ow is it still there? After all that has happened, how has it survived?_

After a time Lizzy raises up, wanting to see him and look in his eyes as she finishes what she started. "I want you to know I meant what I said. I do love you, Raymond."

All this time he has never been sure she even remembered saying those words before she went to sleep. Had never broached the subject feeling he had no right. Scared they weren't real and he'd rather keep them locked in his heart than risk destroying them.

"I'll never expect you to forgive me..."

He stops her words as he reaches out to place his hands on her tear stained cheeks. Her beautiful face that haunted him and haunts him still.

"Lizzy, if you need my forgiveness, it's already there. It has always been there. I'm the one that can never ask it of you, not after the mistakes I've made. After Tom..."

And it's her turn to tell him that there is no longer any blame. That she understands now he intended to keep her safe. All these years and with every action, it has always been to keep her safe. For that alone, she has been able to forgive.

Red doesn't deserve it, he knows this in his heart, but he accepts what she offers like the precious gift that it is.

He pulls her to him again and whispers _I_ _love you.  
_

Her response is a whispered _I know,_ and she is rewarded with that chuckle she loves so much.

* * *

"Elizabeth."

He hears her mumble against his chest where she has become quite comfortable as he slowly rubs her back. Thinking of what she has told him, he realizes that by trying to protect her he has hurt her once again. Will they ever reach the point beyond all the pain they've brought each other?

"Lizzy, look at me," and when she raises her eyes to his, he continues. "You can't for one minute think I didn't want to be with you that night. That I didn't think of asking you to stay every day."

"Then why? You know I wanted-"

"Because I..."

She sees the muscle tighten in his jaw as he struggles to continue. "Talk to me. Whatever it is, please tell me."

"Because I couldn't have survived losing you again if I had stayed. Not after that. I had already lost you once and to go through it again would have been more than I could bear. I watched you die..." He stops again to gain control of his emotions.

"Raymond, I'm so very sorry-"

"I'm not saying this to hurt you but I need you to understand why it couldn't go further. Why I didn't ask you to stay when you said you were leaving."

She needs to hear it, no matter the pain it causes. This is the consequence of going to sleep instead of talking to him as she should have, and leaving a broken man to grieve her loss because it was easier to run.

"Tell me."

"When you _d_ _ied_ , I watched the best part of my life die with you. There was nothing left except Agnes, and that situation was difficult to say the least. There was nothing left..."

God, he never believed he would speak these words aloud. Has spent weeks, months pushing it from his thoughts. Red can't look at her or the fresh tears in her eyes. Why couldn't he have left it? Left well enough alone?

"To find you again after...that was the first time I remember breathing again. The last time I had seen or spoken with you was your wedding day, but you were different. We were different. Those days with you and Agnes were...they were the best days in a very long time. I wanted you more than you can imagine, but to lose you after that..."

He trails off once more, no longer able to find the words. She reaches up, placing a hand at his cheek to turn him toward her.

"You won't lose me again. I'm not leaving. Can you trust that and believe what I say?"

The question she fears the most. Is there trust there? Because without it, the brokenness will never heal.

"Why would you ever want to stay? You deserve more."

_Finally._

This is the truth beneath the armor. The fear that lives beneath the mask he wears. She brought some of that fear when she left him to his grief, but some has always been there. The fear of getting too close, revealing too much. She knows now why he couldn't make that last surrender. The only protection he had left was to push her away first this time.

"Raymond, I don't want to talk about what we deserve. I'm only concerned with what we want. You have to understand that to me a lifetime passed in the eight weeks Kirk had me. They allowed me so little time with Agnes and I spent every waking minute thinking of her and also of you. Not Tom, but you. It wasn't that I knew you _w_ _ould_ find me, but I also realized as the days went on that it was you that I _w_ _anted_ to find me. So many things became clear to me."

She places her hand over his heart. _Wow, you are so damaged_. They both are, she realizes, and that's alright as long as they stop inflicting more.

"I'm not leaving again. Do you trust that?"

She waits for his response, searching the eyes that know her so well and can see right through her.

"Yes."

It's then that he kisses her for the second time. Except this time there are no doubts, no blame or guilt, and their need for one another takes their breath away. They're lost in each other as the barriers finally melt away. Liz has managed to unbutton his vest and is starting on his shirt when Red forces himself away from paradise back to Aram's living room, and stills her hands with his own.

"Lizzy, I think we better cool it because I'd hate to be caught making out on Aram's couch whenever those three decide to make a return."

She laughs and calls him a chicken and he tells her to go splash some cold water on her face because she's a mess and gives her a kiss on the nose.

She's just returning from the bathroom when Aram, Samar and Dembe make a tentative entrance into the apartment and as Aram spies Liz's face and the evidence that remains of her tears, he gives such a piercing look to the one he holds responsible that Raymond Reddington, the Concierge of Crime, actually takes a step back.

"Mr. Reddington, I...you..."

Liz is laughing as she goes to stand by Red's side putting her arm around him as he pulls her close.

"Aram, I'm fine. We're fine, I promise."

Dembe brings the carrier to Liz, but it is Red that picks Agnes up and holds her to his chest. He's missed her, missed the three of them together and the unit they had become. To have so much given to him after so much loss is astonishing, and he lets the conversation carry on around him.

He hears Lizzy thank them for not minding their own business, Aram's _t_ _his is awesome, I knew it all along_ and Samar's _oh really, Aram._ He sees Dembe standing apart, taking it in, and his smile as he gives Red a nod of his head. No words needing to be spoken between the two.

A short time later, Red holds out his hand to Dembe for the car keys to drive Lizzy and Agnes home, and as they're leaving he stops to give the somewhat startled Aram a hug and a _th_ _ank you, my friend._

* * *

Later in her apartment, Raymond and Elizabeth stand by the crib watching Agnes sleep and think how lucky they are to find themselves here. So far from where they started and so far from where they thought they would end up, and how thankful they are for it.

_When I look at you..._

"Where do we go from here?" he asks, brushing a finger on the sleeping baby's cheek.

"I don't care as long as we're together, but maybe we could eat while we decide. Aram never fed me dinner and I'm starving."

They're laughing as they sneak out of Agnes' nursery and head to the kitchen to see what they can find, but don't make it further than the hallway.

It's then that he kisses her for the third time. Except this time they've managed to find their way home and the need for one another overwhelms them once again.

"Raymond, I'm not going to be getting dinner, am I?" she asks, completely out of breath.

"Lizzy, have I ever mentioned I cook a spectacular breakfast?"

They never make it to the kitchen.

* * *

Across town Aram is sitting on the balcony, smiling into the darkness as he savors the victory he always feels when he cracks a code. In this case, however, it is so much sweeter since the answer to the puzzle of Red and Lizzy is just what he thought it'd be.

"I really have known it all along or mostly all along. Have I told you how I figured it out? Because if I haven't-"

"Aram, I'd love to hear it. Start at the beginning," says Samar, smiling into the darkness as well.


End file.
